Blue Christmas
by The Emcee
Summary: "You'll be doin' all right with your Christmas of white, but I'll have a blue, blue, blue, blue Christmas."


Title: Blue Christmas

Author: The Emcee

Rating: MA (for violence)

Pairings: past Ieyasu/Mitsunari, Motochika/Mitsunari

Summary: "You'll be doin' all right with your Christmas of white, but I'll have a blue, blue, blue, blue Christmas."

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, the fandom, or the lyrics.

A/N: I've had this idea in my mind for a while to take innocent, even sweet, songs and turn them on their heels, so to speak. Here's the first one. This contains mentions of yaoi and other stuff, so if you don't like it, then don't read. If you do read, please feel free to leave a comment in the towel section down below. Enjoy!

 **~…~**

 **Blue Christmas**

 **~…~**

" _I'll have a blue Christmas without you._

 _I'll be so blue just thinking about you._

 _Decorations of red on a green Christmas tree_

 _Won't be the same, dear, if you're not here with me."_

 **~…~**

It was so cold. Winter was always the harshest time of the year, but it seemed to be even worse now. Despite how cold it was, my body didn't tremble. I have to admit that winter was just as beautiful and magnificent as it was cold and cruel. Snow glittered beautifully on the ground and the ice that covered the lake reflected the sky above, almost like a mirror. If I listened closely, I could hear the gentle lapping of the water that had broken free from its icy prison. Truly, it was a scene fit for a Christmas card.

But it offered me little comfort, little to be happy or peaceful about.

Just hours before, Mitsunari, my boyfriend, or rather, my ex-boyfriend, and Motochika, the man who I thought was my best friend, had left me behind here, in the cold and the darkness and the quiet, with only the water's soft tune to keep me company. It was quite the shock when I found out that they were together, having harbored feelings for one another for a long time now.

At first, I was angry, so very, very angry.

Mitsunari had meant everything to me ever since we were little children. We had grown up together, shared laughter and tears, hopes and dreams, worries and doubts, together, and when we were teenagers, we became one at long last. I had never thought such a joyous union was possible on Earth, yet I can still recall how Mitsunari's soft, pale skin had felt against my own, how he clung to me oh, so desperately, and how he had cried out my name in glorious passion. Every time after that felt the same, just as amazing, just as precious.

There was no one else for me except Mitsunari. No one suited me better, no one knew me better, and no one could love me better than he. Before we knew it, we were in our apartment, living together, being a full-fledged couple at last. To me, like was perfect and every moment spent with him was treasured.

But even perfection has its flaws.

Somewhere along the line, along the years we spent together, things changed. Mitsunari had always known how to push my buttons, but he had never pushed beyond the point of no return until one day. But it was only one hit. I stopped. I apologized, for I was truly and deeply sorry. Out of nowhere, I struck the one person I swore to never harm. Though Mitsunari forgave me and assured me all was well, the bruise on his cheek did little to lift my spirits and a vile feeling would always surface weeks, months, after the incident.

For a while there after, things had returned to normal and everything was perfect. Until that one night when I came home late from work and Mitsunari's voice, normally grumpy and biting, just irritated me. I didn't mean to shove him into the coat rack. I didn't mean to yell at him as I watched him tumble to the floor, limbs wound uncomfortably around the rack. Seeing his bruises made my old guilt resurface, but surely, it was just a phase. It had to have been stress. It was perfectly normal; perfectly okay.

What was wrong with getting angry every so often? What was wrong with being unable to control myself? Mitsunari's bruises faded and he was never hurt too badly. It was just a phase we went through. All couples went through it. While the guilt was still present, I told myself that such occurrences were normal because they were. It was only natural, human nature, to get angry every once in a while.

 **~…~**

" _And when those blue snowflakes start falling_

 _That's when those blue memories start calling._

 _You'll be doin' all right with your Christmas of white_

 _But I'll have a blue, blue, blue, blue Christmas."_

 **~…~**

I had to find an outlet. I had to find a way to relieve all of the stress from work and home, from Mitsunari. I hadn't intended to sleep with Magoichi. The thought had never crossed my mind until that one late night at work and before I knew it we were kissing, her back digging into my desk while my hands lifted her skirt. Afterwards, I swore that it would never happen again and that I would never tell a soul, not even my best friend, Motochika.

But some promises aren't meant to be kept regardless of how hard one tries. It happened again and again, my sleeping with Magoichi. Doing so was easier than going home to Mitsunari and growing irritated just by listening to him tell me about his day. I didn't love her and she didn't love me; it was just an escape, something exciting and different.

Mitsunari found out eventually and when he did he was furious. I came home to packed bags and Mitsunari's tear-streaked face, his heart-broken expression forever ingrained into my mind. Before I could even ask, he was shouting at me, calling me every foul name imaginable, and eventually he shoved me against the closed door. That was when I pushed him back, only I didn't stop there; it was getting harder and harder for me to stop at just one.

I shoved him against the wall, my hands around his throat, shaking him, yelling back, cursing, blaming him. Well, I couldn't say that all that had transpired wasn't Mitsunari's fault. A lot of what I did was because of him, after all, because he wasn't being as understanding or affectionate as he had been before, because he just wouldn't give me space to breathe. His face turned red and his eyes had almost rolled back into his head before I let go.

Coughing, choking, he crumpled to the floor like a rag doll, but I was still so angry, so angry at him finding out, so angry at him pushing me to that point. The first kick caused him to double over again. The second caused him to open his mouth, a silent groan of pain gurgling in the back of his sore throat. I eventually lost count, but I knew I had broken a few of his ribs.

With all of my anger dissolved, I took a shower, needing to release the tension and rethink the situation. Guilt took hold of me then and when I was done I crawled back to Mitsunari, tears streaming down my face. He was still in the kitchen, unable, unwilling, to move and I took him in my arms, sobbing. I swore to him that I would never lose control like that again and I apologized endlessly for being unfaithful.

I took him to the hospital. Three broken ribs and more bruises than I could count. Luckily, I knew the doctor and he believed me when I said that Mitsunari had walked out in front of my car in a fit of anger during a fight.

Things got better after that. I was better. We were better and things were as they had been. Yet, somewhere along the line, Motochika had taken my place without my even knowing, without even seeing it.

Motochika was a regular guest at our place and I had felt comfortable leaving Mitsunari alone with him whenever I needed to make a quick run to the store of something. Despite him being my best friend, I never did tell him about what went on between Mitsunari and myself; it was our relationship and not his. And things had gotten better, which made it even more surprising when I came home one night to find them together in bed, our bed, the one Mitsunari and I shared.

Rage clouded my judgment and I didn't even think when I reached for Mitsunari, pulling him by the hair out of our bed, screaming at him. Motochika stood up for him, so typical of him to defend the wrongdoer, the underdog. Mitsunari left with him that night and for months after that I was left alone. It had been so awful, so silent, so terribly lonely.

And then, out of the blue, Mitsunari returned, saying he wanted to try again, that he had made a mistake with Motochika, and that he was sorry for hurting me so. I still loved him, still do, and I took him back gladly, happy to be with him once again. And that was how I got here.

Apparently, all of his words and his actions over the past few weeks had been nothing but a ruse.

Earlier tonight, as I was sitting in my chair in the living room, drink in hand and watching TV, Mitsunari snuck up behind me and struck me in the back of the head with something heavy and hard. All I remember was a hard, sharp, throbbing pain as something connected with the back of my head and then darkness, emptiness, nothingness. And then, I woke up here.

It's getting even colder now. So cold in fact that I can't even feel my body. Everything feels heavy and stiff, almost as though I'm like a rock. I'm sinking, sinking, deeper and deeper into the cold depths of the lake. I can't see the snow covered ground anymore or the stars in the sky or the ice covering the lake aside from the hole where Mitsunari and Motochika had dumped my body into.

All I can see now are the deep blue waters that surround me, and darkness.

 **~…~**

" _You'll be doin' all right with your Christmas of white,_

 _But I'll have a blue, blue, blue, blue Christmas."_

 **~…~**


End file.
